The Christopher Kimball Cooking Academy

My name is Christopher Kimball and I’m here to tell you about the exciting new cooking school I’m launching.

Growing up in East Boringshire, I was immersed in the WASP community. From a young age, my father had me prepare our unsalted porridge for dinner, and every weekend I cut crabapples with the town matriarchs for Sunday Luncheon at the local Anglican Church. One summer I discovered “iced cream”, a frozen treat with a spice called “vanilla”, and my perspective changed forever.

After college, I started America’s Test Kitchen, with the financial support of my uncle Monroe, and expanded my horizons to cook all of the exotic cuisine from all over America. From exciting casseroles to tantalizing coleslaws, I taught America to make food that would have made my Grandmother Elizabeth blush. In 2016 after leaving ATK, I learned that other countries exist and founded Milk Street, named after my favorite beverage. Since then I have been traveling the world and distilling the most boring food from each culture and sharing it with you, applying my WASP sensibilities of course.

Now I want to pass all of my expertise on to you. In this intensive program you will learn the skills to cook all over suburban New England and the Midwest. Some courses include:

• Nutrition: We cover healthy eating to maintain the perfect body: skinny with dry, loose, red skin. You will learn about the 5 food groups: Gruel, boiled vegetables, oats, mayonnaise, and mashed potatoes.
• Barbeque: What’s more American than grilling over an open fire. We will teach you how to make dry chicken breast, dry steaks, and dry hamburgers. Don’t forget the catsup!
• Thanksgiving: My favorite day of the year, need I say more?
• Italian Food: My favorite cuisine in the world. You will learn how to make plain noodles and bland, unbreaded, baked eggplant parmesan (emphasis on the s)
• Dessert: We teach you to make such treats as pound cake, gingersnaps, and fruit salad. You’ll be the bell of the ball at the local Connecticut block party.

Please join us on this gastronomic adventure and learn to cook, the WASP way!

-Chris